Straight From the Mouth

to kids and adults for two very different reasons. (Mental note: Wank in a dress=ratings gold).

Give us a snapshot of your typical day?

Ed: I get here about 4, the show starts at 5. On a good day I'm out by 2, a bad day by 4. Prep is split right down the middle between me and Dave.

Dave: I teach a Pilates class at 10:20 every day. You do the math.

How is a Hank morning show different than a Jack?

Ed: Hank has a morning show -- an actual, honest-to-God, people-talking morning show. Jack has nothing more than attitude liners, at least here in Indy.

Dave: We're less about copping some sort of manufactured attitude and more about being two regular guys who are having fun.

Okay, you're in a market with Bob & Tom, Dave Smiley and other top morning shows. What kind of stuff do you resort to in order to stand out?

Ed: We can be local throughout the course of the entire show. From a pure numbers standpoint, our biggest competition besides B&T these days comes from the WFMS morning show, the heritage country guys. They're very, very conservative. That's where our rock edge comes in handy.

Give us a few of your all-time favorite bits? The ones listeners still talk about?

Ed: Our intern Bobo stood on a street corner offering anyone who walked by 50 bucks to wet themselves. A woman then offered Bobo 50 bucks if he'd do it himself. The kid did. Peed himself. Right there. Bobo also had my second-favorite moment -- we dressed him as an NFL ref and had him whistle pedestrians for various penalties we simply made up: "Vaguely Homosexual Hat!" "Fake Designer Bag!" Simple bit, great audio, including the victim's reactions.

under the radar -- some of the simple, conversational character-building discussions that go on between me and Ed. Some of my favorite bits though -- getting hit with a taser (I do not recommend this); pranking Wank into thinking he was interviewing the Prime Minister of Jamaica during a Spring Break broadcast while I acted like an ass to the guy; and Intern Bobo going around town asking people if he could spread the "ashes" of his dead grandmother in their businesses. Nothing's funnier than hearing the clerk at an hourly-rate motel ask "This place was special to your grandmother?" and then allowing Bobo to sprinkle some "ashes" on an already stained mattress.

Is there anyone's show that you follow more closely than others?

Ed: I dig Tim & Willy, KNIX, Phoenix. Funny show.

Dave: JohnJay and Rich in Tucson, Ace and TJ in Charlotte, Dave Ryan in Minneapolis, MJ in Tampa -- all make me laugh. Bert at Q100 in Atlanta does the "relationship" stuff very well.

Did either of you have a radio mentor?

Ed: That Marconi dude was a real trendsetter. Actually, Jon Quick from WIBC (our sister AM) has been pretty encouraging.

Dave: I've had more of a sounding board for the past 13 years. My wife did morning radio for ten years and is one of the most creative people I know. She always manages to twist some idea I have and make it better.

If you could choose one person in radio to critique your show, whom would it be?

Ed: Our GM after the third Grey Goose martini. Actually, we had a month off when 97.1 went from AC to Hank. I got to listen to the whole market, in my car, just like a commuter. Real eye-opener as to what kept me as a listener

Dave: Actually, I'd be happy to find one person who doesn't critique our show.

Best advice you ever got?

Ed: 'Don't get into radio.' - Big Mike Fiss, Y94-FM, Syracuse, 1992.

Dave: "Talk to your listeners like you do to your friends - except for all of the profanity." GM Mike Slenski, WROV, Roanoke, 1992.

Best idea you ever picked up at Morning Show Boot Camp?

Ed: 'Get drunk and sleep with your news chick.'

Dave: I can't remember what it was called but sometimes it still itches.

What's the most bizarre thing you've ever done in your studio that listeners weren't aware of?

Ed: We enjoy the Today Show's Smucker's tribute to those who've made it to 100+ years old. If perchance, we notice it's on while we're in music, O'Brien adds voices to the photos while we're watching with the sound down. My favorite: "I smell urine!"

Dave: I enjoy our daily deep tissue massages and full buffet.

The CMA's went to New York last year. Some believe it was to motivate New York radio into getting a Country station on the air there. Would you add anything to this appeal (how would you lobby New York broadcasters)?

Ed: Have any one of them follow any random chick who just bought a Gretchen Wilson disc. She's going to get in her SUV and drive out to her middle class home in the Jersey 'burbs groovin' to 'All Jacked Up.' There's your audience. Now market the product to that group.

When I posed this same question to a friend of mine, he told me that New Yorkers could already get Country on satellite. Do you see market voids like this on terrestrial radio helping to send listeners to satellite?

Ed: No. I see a lack of programming creativity sending listeners to satellite.

Dave: Satellite, iPods, CD's, the Internet, the Walkman -- they've all been radio's "boogeyman" in the past. Compelling radio has always kept people from turning to the other choices.

Speaking of satellite, let's get the predictions for 2006 going. Next year this time, where do you see Howard?

Ed: He'll do okay. Just okay. His problem: I have a feeling the show will be so dirty that it'll be like watching hardcore porn instead of Cinemax or something. (And believe me, I know my porn.) Instead of titillating, it could become very boring.

Dave: I see Howard buying a bunch of Sirius receivers to keep those numbers growing for Wall Street. I also think you'll see increased eyebrow-raising at the FCC with some possible attempts to regulate satellite more closely.

New format radio will see in 2006?

Ed: Latvian Polkas, 'Ivan-FM'. All S&M audio, 'Spank-FM'. No wait, that's Howard on satellite. All Bobby Brown & Whitey Houston, 'Crack-FM'.

Dave: "Jill-FM" (80's & 90's based Pop/Modern/Dance); new truer Alternative -- not the Active Rock it has become, and (gasp!) radio stations with real live DJ's!

The one thing I'm going to quit doing in 2006?

Ed: All that pesky heroin.

Dave: Less bitching and moaning and more action and results.

The one thing I'm going to definitely do in 2006?

Ed: Trust my instincts more. I've been second-guessing myself way too much lately on and off the air.

Dave: Be #1 12+. And the new owner of ABC Radio in 2006 will be... (Hank is owned by Emmis)

Ed: I know who it is but I can't divulge that information. For a complete list of my stock tips, send 20 bucks to me with a S.A.S.E. care of 97.1 Hank-FM, Indy.

Dave: SuperMcRadioHutMart

The thing about terrestrial radio that scares me most?

Ed: All-uh-them 'lectrical equipment-type thingies. And the FCC.

Dave: How unsure it is of itself right now - throwing everything at the wall to see what sticks. Terrestrial radio needs to get a backbone, believe in what it's doing and stop being scared of the boogeyman.

The thing about my partner that scares me most?

Ed: O'Brien has a wicked temper, man. Seriously. You should see what he did to our last producer. Ugly.

Dave: Wank shaves his entire body. Is that weird to anyone else?